Beyond

by Alicia McKenzie

BEGIN LOG.

Scott--

Well.

Here we are.

Flonq it all...this is cute, isn't it? I decide to do this, and then find myself at a loss for words. Heh. I suppose I should be used to that, by now. Not like I ever knew what to say to you...what to think. How to feel--

Maybe that's why I'm doing this, and doing it now. Amazing how clear everything seems at three in the morning. How much more honest with yourself you can be--

Still--if I was superstitious, I'd have some serious qualms about this. But since I know from long experience that the universe will eventually jump up and bite you in the ass with or without provocation, maybe I should just get on with it.

All right.

Here we go.

If you're seeing this, I know what's happened. I got distracted, or got in over my head--or maybe just got too slow. I suppose the who and the where and the why don't really matter--I just hope I ended up taking at least a few of the bastards with me. I do have my pride, after all.

Pride. Seems like such a hollow justification for all the things I never said. But I think--no, I KNOW that I let my actions speak for me, at least a little. And actions speak louder than words, right? I always thought so...

Ironic that I should use that particular cliche, really. Especially when I look back on all the times when the thing I wanted the most, more than anything else in the world, was to have you there to talk to. Sometimes I'd--pretend you were there, actually. I'd spill my guts, pour out my heart to a rock or something, wishing it was you. Oath, that sounds pitiful, doesn't it? And Tetherblood did look at me funny, that time he caught me--

Oh...oath. Sorry, Scott. Just remembering the look on his face...don't get me wrong, I was utterly mortified at the time. But looking at it now, it's damned funny. A lot of things start to seem that way, with a little time.

Okay...back on track. There are some things I need to say to you, and I don't want you to take them the wrong way.

First of all, I know you didn't have a choice. That you would have been there if there'd been any way to stay...that you didn't want to leave me, and you've been kicking yourself in the ass ever since.

Well, knock it off. This is your wake-up call, Mr. Summers.

You WERE there. Just like you promised. I believe that, Scott, I really do. This isn't me trying to make you feel better--trust me, I've never been one for random acts of compassion.

You were there. You WERE. You were with me every step of the way, Scott. If I'd really been alone, all those things I saw and did, even just in those first couple of years after you left, would have destroyed me. Turned me into a monster like Stryfe or into one of the walking dead, all those countless people in my time who'd given up on life, on hope.

It was the strength you taught me that let me survive. Not just in body, but in spirit, too. My world might have taught me to kill, to hate, but because of you and Jean, I never forgot how to love.

Oath, now I'm sounding maudlin. I knew this was a bad idea--for all I know, I'll outlive the lot of you. I just--I suppose with everything that's happened lately, I've started entertaining thoughts of my own mortality.

Again. I hate that. I'm not the introspective type, in case you hadn't noticed. And no, that's not because I prefer blowing things up, Scott. You should try living my life and being introspective--see how fast it drives YOU insane.

...

Heh. They call this dead air when it happens on a radio station, don't they? See, I'm not totally clueless when it comes to idiom--

I think this was a bad idea. I'm sure you're not enjoying seeing this any more than I am recording it. I wish this didn't have to be so difficult, all the time--you and me, I mean. I wish you could look at me without seeing all your failures. I wish I could look at you without feeling like a resentful fourteen year-old all alone in the world--

I--

I'm sorry.

Forget I said that. Oath, maybe I should just erase this flonqing thing and start over--

...

I wish--what I really wish is that I'd told all of this to you, to your face, instead of pulling this melodramatic crap and leaving this 'last testament' behind. I feel like such a coward--

I wish you'd met Aliya. I wish you'd known Tyler--known him the way I had. I wish you'd been there to celebrate with us the times that the Clan won our battles, and to mourn with us when we lost.

I wish I'd told you all these stories. Maybe by the time you see this, if you ever do, I will have. I hope so. I do want you to know it all. The high points and the low points--

Well, maybe not ALL of it--I've got to keep some secrets. After all, the earth would fall out of its orbit and the sun would go nova if I ever revealed all my secrets. It's an immutable law of the universe.

By the way, Scott, that was a joke. You're supposed to laugh.

Somehow, I don't think you are, though, are you?

Fair enough.

It's been--a ride, Scott. I wouldn't have missed it for the world. I'm just glad the circle came back around to where it started, gave us some more time together. Not long enough--it never could have been long enough--

But you can find a whole eternity in a moment if you know where to look.

G'journey, Scott.

. . .I love you.

END LOG

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