Armageddon't

by Phil Hartman

"Oh good grief."

The Marauders looked up, shocked, as Sinister paced the floor in front of his main viewscreen.

"Gallons of protoplasm - do you have any IDEA how many 'mysterious cattle disappearances' it takes to gather that much protoplasm ? - and putting up with giant firebirds in my lab, and Madelyne gives birth to an INCOMPETENT !" Sinister ranted.

He waved a dismissive hand towards the image of Cable, spread-eagled and hanging from Apocalypse's throne-room wall, and snarled, "Oh, NOOOOO, it wasn't bad enough I had to put up with Madelyne refusing to die once I was done with her. Her idiot son can't even beat one overgrown External in hand-to-hand combat ! He's GOT the blasted psimitar ! What's he waiting for, someone to hold his and point at Apocalypse ? Over 50 years in an alternate wartorn future wasn't enough training ?"

Sinister sat on the floor, put his head in his hands and sighed.

"I'm depressed," Essex muttered. "I need to do something about this, but I really don't feel like wasting my time growing another Summers. I mean, look at what happened with Nate Grey - what WAS my alternate-Earth self thinking ? Like we need another leather-wearing demigod running around and exploding down the line ?"

Scalphunter and Arclight looked at each other, then shrugged.

"Well, boss, what about one of your backup plans ?" Scrambler piped up.

Sinister slowly nodded, and stood,pacing as he muttered, "I'm Sinister. Of COURSE I have a backup plan ... giant winged pirahna ? No ... hijacking a Japanese monster ? Too cliched ... of COURSE ! Project: Goulash !"

The Marauders recoiled at the expression upon Sinister's face:

He smiled.

Perkily.

"Uhm ... he doesn't DO perky, does he ?" Blockbuster whispered to Riptide.

"Not unless someone's gonna suffer. Badly," Riptide nodded. "Usually us."

"I'm a genius ! Project: Goulash are expendable, they'll drive the X-Men mad with repressed longings of a normal life, and best of all, they're telegenic !" Sinister cheered, standing with a grin.

"Wait, ain't Project: Goulash - oh, boss, no ! Not THEM !" Scalphunter shuddered.

"If they survive attacking Apocalypse, they'll be perfect bait to lure in the X-Men for whatever sadistic revenge I cook up ! Sometimes I outdo even myself," Sinister chuckled, heading to his lab. "Now, I wonder if they've cooked long enough ... vat-grown uber-mutants can get temperamental if you take them out of the tank too soon ..."

~Tol'ja so.~

~Stop it, Rachel !~ Cable sent to the floating Mother Askani before him, a dull ache starting in his wrists. ~Like I need you to remind me how flonqing stupid I was to go after Apocalypse alone.~

~No, you were flonqing stupid to let yourself get captured by Caliban - a brainwashed Caliban, no less,~ Rachel sent with a sigh. ~Besides, Nate, we've got even worse problems coming. There's been a major skew in the probability field - even my strangest predictions for the future have gone haywire.~

~Oh, what now ? Did your robe get caught on the floor of the afterlife and you tripped and hit your head ?~ Nathan sent sarcastically.

~Poopyhead,~ Rachel replied, sticking her tongue out.

~You are,~ Nathan sent, crossing his eyes.

~No, YOU are !~ Rachel sent, pulling her lips back.

~You are !~

~YOU are !~

Sinister nodded, watching as the eight growth tanks drained, releasing his prized creations.

"Hear me, my servants ! You know your mission - go forth, ravage Apocalypse, and bring me the fallen Cable !" Sinister boomed.

He grinned at the nearest mirror and smiled prettily, thinking, #I always wanted to be bombastic.#

"Uh, look, mister ? We wanna save the world an' all," one of the beings shrugged, "but can we have some clothes first ?"

"The Twelve are WHO !?"

Betsy Braddock sighed, trying not to let the Crimson Dawn-derived shadows roiling within her reach out and hit her boyfriend very hard.

"I mean, I could see Franklin Richards, or Sam Guthrie or Dani Moonstar, or Kitty, but MIKHAIL RASPUTIN !? He created a Darwinist hell that created Marrow and Gene Nation, he let himself get possessed by some odd-ball energy creature, and worst of all, he still thinks ponytails are in fashion !" Warren Worthington groaned, pacing the floor of the X-Men's War Room. "How '80's is THAT !? You can't have a savior of the world with a ponytail ! That's like - like blaming mimes for producing Sinister through inbreeding!"

"You're drunk again, aren't you ?" Psylocke asked, arching an eyebrow at Angel.

"OK, you two, enough," Cyclops frowned, leading Storm, Phoenix, Jubilee, Beast, Shadowcat, Nightcrawler, Rogue and Gambit into the room. "We've got bigger problems than Warren's lack of taste in booze."

"I STILL like Schlitz," Angel muttered, leaning against a wall.

"Jean, any chance Cerebro might be able to find Iceman ?" Scott Summers asked his wife.

Jean Grey-Summers donned the Cerebro helmet, activating the array, and smiled as she said, "Well, we could just look for the obscene ice sculptures from satellite photos."

"Ah, my frozen friend and his fetid fantasia," Hank McCoy chuckled, watching the Cerebro screen. "Bingo, Our Lady of Recycled Soul ! One icicle on the adar-ray!"

"But he's in danger, Hank !" Jean cried out. "I sense he's being pursued by - by -"

She gave a cry, tearing the helmet from her head, and screamed, "A CRAZED HORDE OF ENRAGED REFRIGERATOR REPAIRMEN !!"

"MOMMY !!!"

Bobby Drake's ice-slide barely kept him ahead of the honking, cursing, occasionally gun-shooting phalanx of trucks which pursued him across the Massachusetts landscape.

"It was an accident ! I didn't mean to forget to frost my fridge ! REALLY ! HAAALP !!" Iceman cried.

He stopped, blinking, as the trucks slowed, then started to turn around.

"Whoa," Bobby muttered. "What caused that ?"

A slender hand took him by the chin, turning him around to lock his gaze with ice-blue eyes.

"The Wicked Witch of the East," Emma Frost purred. "I've thawed too, Robert. It's time I gave up my fight to resist your love-god power, and gave in to your wildest fantasies."

Bobby's jaw dropped as she pulled him into the headmaster's cottage, locking the door.

"Well, if Armageddon's here, I love the way it's going," he mumbled between kisses.

"THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE !"

Apocalypse's thunderous pacing made his henchmen flinch - not the usual "CULL THE WEAK !" flinch, but the "STAB YOUR EYES !" flinch they reserved for when he was truly enraged.

En Sabah Nur looked at Cable, hanging on the far wall, and raged, "MOVE HIS ARM A LITTLE TO THE LEFT ! NOW !"

Pestilence - Caliban - rushed to obey, holding Nathan's metallic left arm higher and prompting a growl from the semi-conscious Dayspring.

Apocalypse nodded, turning back to the main viewscreen, and chuckled as the image cleared.

"AH, SWEET BUFFY," the Son of the Morning Fire purred as the sounds of dying vampires caressed his ears. "TRULY, DAYSPRING IS ONE OF THE STRONG - BOTH A FORMIDABLE FOE AND AN EXCELLENT TV ANTENNA."

The ripple grew into a tear in the fabric of space-time, disgorging eight small figures in black skinsuits who peeked over the top of the dune.

"Ewww," one of them frowned. "Green wrinklefaces."

"An' those guys with the weird hats're wearin' skirts!" another laughed. "Whatta bunch a'dorks !"

"Enough !" a third - with a gout of brown hair and piercing blue eyes - ordered. "We're here to rescue Cable, an' we're gonna do it. Why ?"

"'CAUSE WE'RE THE X-SPAWN !" the rest of the kids cheered, charging over the dune.

"For now," Jean nodded. "But we have to hurry to Akkaba, Scott - Nathan's been captured by Apocalypse!"

The other X-Men gasped collectively, following the Summers to the hangar bay. "But what about Bobby ?" Hank asked.

"Don't worry about him, Hank," Jean smiled, blushing bright red. "Emma has him well in hand - and various condiments in the other."

"Charles, I've got a country to run, Apocalypse can't do whatever he wants without all of the Twelve, and the last time you and I got involved in a huge epic save-the-world event, I ended up drooling on Avalon," Magnus scowled.

"Sorry," Xavier winced.

"Oh yes - and let's not forget my stunt-double, Joseph. I'm still having to run to Fabian Cortez for power amplification - do you know how embarassing THAT is ? Dependent upon the thug who tried to kill me ..." Magnus muttered, pacing.

"Joseph died a hero, Magnus," Xavier frowned. "In a confrontation which YOU provoked, if I recall."

"Granted, that wasn't one of my brighter plans," Magneto sighed. "A giant tuning fork, good grief, what was I thinking ? ... you realize I usually have better luck with schemes south of the equator ? Paris, the Arctic Circle, your school ... whereas in the Savage Land, Rogue and I-"

He looked away from the suddenly-ashen Xavier and said, "Get out of my mind ! You could use Cerebro to get a cheap thrill, you know."

"Robert rewired it to pick up free cable," Xavier scowled. "Speaking of Cable, I should go. If we don't rescue him soon, Jean will start getting all maternal again and nag Scott incessantly about why they haven't had children of their own yet."

"Wait five minutes. Another Summers will pop out of thin air and save Phoenix the trouble of nine months of water-weight gain, swollen ankles and bizarre food urges," Magnus grinned.

"Scott, do you think the boathouse should be painted blue or pink ?"

"FASTER, KITTY ! FASTER !"

"Oh sure. The one time I hear that and Pete's nowhere in sight."

"KITTEN !?"

"Whoops."

CLUNK.

"It's the Horsemen !"

"No, it's Colossus fainting in shock."

Wolverine shook his head fiercely, looking around the Horsemen's quarters, and peered into a nearby mirror.

"Good God, what th' flamin' heck'm I dressed in !?" Logan yelled. "I look like an extra from Final Fantasy!"

He extended his claws, hacking at his costume until he stood in rags.

"There. Now, t'shove these in that overgrown can opener f'r stickin' adamantium back in me," Wolverine grinned.

He stormed out of the quarters, maiming a particularly slow Skrull, and started to walk, but slowed as his nose twitched.

"Those scents ... it can't be," Logan whispered, his eyes going wide. He turned -

 - and was tackled by eight children.

"Hey ! It's Wolverine !" one of the kids, a boy with a shock of mussed brown hair and wide blue eyes, smiled. "I think he was my gene donor."

"Aw, no - clones," Logan groused. "Who sent'cha ?"

"We're not clones !" a brown-haired girl, younger than the boy, frowned. "We're th' X-Spawn. We're made from DNA from diff'rentpairs o'X-Men. An' I think y'r my daddy, if I 'member."

"Daddy ... ? Oh, boy," Logan winced. "Who's y'r mom?"

"Ororo Munroe," the girl said proudly.

Logan bit back a severe curse as the kids let him up, and he stood, looking at each of them in turn. Finally, he sighed, "I ain't payin' child support."

"Piotr, please ... we've got to move on with our lives," Kitty said, trying to comfort Colossus.

"But I thought you were through with Wisdom !" Piotr cried, blowing his nose into a wad of blue fur. He blinked, blushing as the Beast glared at him.

"That was my back you just plucked," Hank frowned, rubbing a bald spot.

"Complain later, X-Men ! The Skrulls and Monolith cultists are headed our way !" Cyclops shouted.

Jean took to the air, and shouted, "HUNGER ! I HUNGER!"

The X-Men watched, amazed, as the Skrulls ran screaming for their lives, and the Monolith cultists were left to their own fate.

"I gotta use this Phoenix rep more often," Jean grinned wickedly.

"NOOOO ! IT WAS THE SEASON FINALE OF BUFFY ! HOW DARE YOU !!" En Sabah Nur screamed as Logan destroyed the TV.

"Oh, c'mon. Ev'ryone knows Angel goes off t'LA an' Xander'll end up with Buffy," Logan snorted. "Hey - Cable !"

"Took you long enough, you sawed-off little maniac," Cable frowned as two of the X-Spawn freed him. "Where'd you pick up the kids ?"

"Sin'ster sent us," a small boy replied. Cable gave him a double-look and groaned, finding his feet.

"Another Summers. Dear God help us all - but maybe this'll stop Jean from locking Scott in the bathroom with those magazines," Cable smirked. "Now - APOCALYPSE ! FACE ME, LORD OF EVIL !"

Wolverine sank his face into his hands as Cable and Apocalypse pounded on one another. "Aw no - not another pontificatin' Summers. Stryfe was bad enough," Logan moaned.

Outside, the Monolith cultists ran screaming as a hurricane whipped at their robes.

"Goddess ! Were NONE of them wearing underwear beneath those kilts !?" Ororo exclaimed, gagging.

"There ! There's the entrance !" Kitty shouted, leading the way into the temple. The others followed her close behind, but came screeching to a halt when the remaining Horsemen flooded the hallway.

"Now, X-Men, prepare to fall before the might of War, Pestilence and Famine !" Deathbird cackled.

"Wait," Ahab said, holding out a hand. "Who gets t'go first ?"

"Caliban says ... rock-paper-scissors !" Caliban smiled.

The three Horsemen made fists and started to pump them up and down, but screamed as a massive energy flare dropped something on top of them.

"Bishop ! Where you been, ami ?" Gambit called.

"In an alternate universe where my fashion sense died a horrific death," Bishop sighed, looking at the chestplate he was wearing. "But that doesn't matter now ! Apocalypse's master plan is almost ready ! Or - at least that's what the old woman in the timestream told me."

"Rachel ! Then the time is now !" Scott exclaimed. He put his hands on his hips and called, "Now, X-Men ! Let's go !"

"Scott, dear - you can stop looking like a total dweeb," Jean sighed, leading the rush into the throne room.

The X-Men came screeching to another halt, falling atop a suddenly-shouting Angel, and saw Logan and eight children watching Cable and Apocalypse pound on each other.

"Pull up a chair," Wolverine said, letting Jubilee hug him. "Without Drake, Blue-Lips's outta luck. An' Nate there's a little torqued 'bout bein' hung from th' far wall."

"I AM A MAN ! NOT A TV ANTENNA !" Cable roared, hurling Apocalypse through the floor. He recoiled when Nur began to grow, laughing as Nate Grey dangled from his grip.

"Sorry, 'bro,' but he's leechin' off my power," Nate winced. "An' - what's that sound ?"

"OH NO. I LEFT THE OVEN ON WHEN I WAS MAKING POPCORN FOR THE BUFF-A-THON," Apocalypse moaned. "I JUST BREACHED THE GAS MAIN ! ONE STRAY SPARK COULD BLOW US ALL APART !"

"Pryde ?"

Kitty turned, her heart leaping in her chest, as Pete Wisdom came running into the room. "X-Force tol' me th' sitch - if th' world's gonna end, I gotta tell ya, I luv ya, Pryde ! I was wrong - c'n ya ever f'rgive me?" Pete pleaded.

"Yes, Pete ! Oh, yes !" Kitty cheered, hugging him. Her face lit up with horror as Pete pulled out a cigarette, and she shouted, "Pete ! DON'T LIGHT UP !"

"Why ?" Wisdom asked, his right index finger glowing.

KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!

"YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS," the Tribunal said, seeing time and space warp around Earth.

"Yes," Eternity nodded. "Time has been fractured on Earth. Probabilities have forever been changed - the past itself has been warped."

"WELL, THAT TOO," the Tribunal sighed. "BUT THE BUFF-A-THON JUST WENT OFF THE AIR."

"Darn," Eternity sighed, shutting off the TV. "Guess it's back to hanging with Uatu. Hope he got his VCR to work."

back to Phil Hartman's stories | Dayspring archive | comicfic.net