Getting To Know Us

by Sabia

Julia de Santos stood uncertainly outside the Café. I'm a fic now, she thought. Last week, I was Unposted. Is this supposed to be progress? Sure doesn't feel like it. She checked her watch again. Where is everyone? We agreed to fifteen minutes ago. It can't take them that long to find parking. Small, furry somethings skittered out the doors and rushed past her. Oh gods. I haven't even started drinking yet, but those looked a whole lot like bunny slippers. She shook her head and decided to have a look around on her own.

She smiled at the large man at the top of the stairs. "Hello. I'm a fic. May I go in?"
The Bouncer looked her up and down. "What are you packing?"
"You want the entire inventory? It might take a while." She said truthfully. "Mostly throwing knives and, of course, this." She patted the hilt of her favorite sword hanging in its sheath on her belt.
He gestured at the weapons check-in. "You can leave the sword here."
"I'd rather not." She frowned slightly. "You're welcome to try and take it off me, if you'd like."
He glared down at her. "Don't get smart. You can't touch me. I'm working for Scribe."
"As if I'd even want to touch you. You have my word I won't start any trouble." She offered.
"Uh, uh. I don't buy that honour stuff. It stays or you don't go in."
"Okay, fine. I won't go in." She drifted across the road and sat down on the curb. She watched a few Remys come and go as she considered what to do. A lot of them looked very different from the master thief she knew and several looked simply miserable. She played with throwing knife as she cast a influence spell on the Bouncer. Can't make it too broad, she thought. He'll start acting strange and somebody's bound to take offense. He didn't start yelling at her so she guessed he didn't notice. She walked back and tried again.
"Hi again. May I go in now?"
"I told you the first time. No extra weapons." He said, rather irked by her denseness.
"I want to keep my sword." She said firmly.
His eyes became a bit distant as the spell overrode his will. "Okay."
"Thanks."

She looked around as the doors closed behind her. Let's see. If I understand the theory correctly, it looks slightly different for everybody except when a specific Writer is controlling things. She took in the polished mahogany bar, leather chairs and heavy furniture. Everything was old, rich and in perfect condition. A gentleman's club. Hmm. She glanced up. It's very nice.

There were multiple versions of every person she'd ever met at the X-mansion as well as dozens of people she didn't recognize at all. Gosh, it's clone central and they're not all Summers either. She spotted a familiar ponytail and wandered over. Which version is this? Does this place have another entrance? Wouldn't put it past them to sneak in just for fun.

Shatterstar looked up at the woman in black armor approaching their table. He'd been cuddling with Rictor and discussing ways to open, as it were, relations between them and Roberto. He liked dark and handsome.
"Hello." He said in a friendly manner. He removed his hands from Rictor's lap and placed them on the table.
Julia blushed. Oops. "I beg your pardon. I thought you were someone else." She turned away. That would explain why he misses Rictor so much, though. She glanced at the ceiling again. I don't want the competition. Are you paying attention?
"Don't go just yet, chica." Rictor called. "You're a new fic, right?"
She turned back and smiled. "Yes, I am. Julia de Santos. You're Rictor, right? I know 'Star, of course."
Shatterstar looked pleased at the recognition. He still enjoyed lots of attention even if he wasn't a Mojovision star anymore.
"You got it. The vibration specialist at your service." Rictor grinned. "Is your Writer gonna be using me too?"
She ignored the smart comment that was jumping up and down in the back of her mind. Nah, too easy, she told herself. "I think so. There's a few drafts of the series floating in our Directory."
Rictor leaned forward. "Really? A whole series? With everybody?"
"Yes. My Writer might not write fast but she writes big." She studied the couple. "How did you enjoy Scotland?"
"It was very interesting. There were many new things to see." Shatterstar smiled. "Please sit down. I'd like to hear about things in your variation."
Why not? "Sure." A waiter came by and took her order. "Well, everyone tends to be more sane than mainstream."
"Not that's hard to do." Rictor said. "You'd think mainstream's run by a bunch of drop-out shrinks for all the crud they inflict on the characters."
"True. Let's see. You're still in Mexico, doing whatever. The team is still at the mansion and Wade and Terry are dating." She smiled at Shatterstar. "I've got our version of you drinking too. We're a party crowd."
Shatterstar looked interested. "Oh? What is our relationship then?"
"We're friends." She hedged.
He frowned. "That is all? Why is that I do not have any companions except for the story our Writer has created?"
She bit back a smile at his expression. "I think there was one where you and Windsong kissed." She noted. "And there was one with you and Betsy Braddock. It was sort of implied that you had Terry too."
"Fekt. Hardly anything." He said derisively. "At least those two would not tear me to shreds during the act as Feral would."
"Don't worry about it, amigo. Things'll come around." Rictor soothed. "I mean, it might be a lot to hope for to get the following Gambit has, but things are picking up for us. There's that big story where we all get some, even though most of it was Nate Grey's head games."
She went for a hopefully harmless inquiry. "Who's Feral?"
"Early X-Force member." Rictor explained. "One more in The Powers That Be's continuing obsession with furry women in skimpy clothing."
She raised a eyebrow at that. "There's a hentai joke in there somewhere. Let me guess. Claws, fur and a nasty temper?"
"You got it, pretty meat." Said a voice behind her. She looked up to see a cat-like woman with a rather battered Shatterstar. He nodded to her. I'm glad he's got fast healing, she thought taking in the numerous cuts. They've been playing rough.
She smiled as charmingly as she could. "Feral, I presume?"
"Yeah." Feral said with a small snarl as she took in the scene. "This could be fun. Two for one."
Julia finished her drink. Time to go, she decided. "I'm sure you four would like to compare notes or something." She said graciously. "It's been a pleasure meeting you."
"It could be a greater pleasure." Shatterstar said hopefully from his seat. He liked dark and beautiful too.
"It already has." She winked. "I've got access to the unposted stuff, remember."

She followed the tasteful brass signs to the Team Rooms. There was a large blond man passed out across from the double doors marked X-Factor. He was clutching an empty bottle of Crown Royal in each hand. He went down fighting, she thought stepping over his outstretched legs. There were several X-Men rooms for the rest of floor. What? Missed part of the alphabet here. She noticed a sign over the stairwell. They're stuck in the basement. That figures. The sound of people partying got louder as she went downstairs. Sounds about right. She poked her head around the door.
It was X-Force. Sort of. More like X-Forces, she thought amazed. X-Forci?
A few people turned to look at her. She worked up enough nerve to go in and immediately had to sidestep a stream of Silly String fired by a giggling Risque. She stopped as Risque promptly passed out on the floor. Several people walked over her, including a equally giddy Jimmy. He tripped on his attempt and landed face down, still giggling to himself. My goodness, she thought. I think they're stoned.
"It's a fangirl!" Domino said. "Everybody run!"
"Pardon?" Julia asked. "Dom, are you okay? What did you mean?" Why the hell didn't I stay home and finish painting my bedroom?
"She means you're a Writer-created fic that's in a story with variations of real characters." Cable explained absently, still looking down at his cybernetic arm. He'd converted part of his arm to receive, well, cable and was watching another edition of the People's Court.
"That's not my fault. I've got my own damned stories with not an X-person in sight." She glanced at a blonde girl with horns who was watching her intently. "And I do mean damned."
"Sounds cool. I'm Illyana." The girl offered.
She noticed the blonde's feet were in fact hooves. "I'm Julia. You were a New Mutant once, right? Didn't the mainstream version die really young, or something?"
"That's partially right. I grew up fast then got young again. Time-traveling just messes with your DayRunner, I can tell you." Illyana said.
"I don't doubt it." She glanced at the empty chair at the demoness' table. "May I join you?"
"Please do. I don't get a lot of opportunities to coffee klatch. The semi-demonic look puts people off." Illyana said pleasantly. "You do magic?"
"Some. It was my minor at school. What are you into?" Julia relaxed slightly. Illyana sounds like her brain is still attached to rest of her, she thought.
"I rule Limbo. It's sort of a mini-Hell between dimensions. I've got an army of demons but my magics really work only there. My Writer has me at my most powerful if lascivious." She waved a hand and second glass popped into existence in front of Julia. She poured them both a drink from the bottle on the table. A very dark red liquid spashed into the glasses. "You know what this is?"
"Yes." Julia picked up her glass and took a sip. "A good vintage."
"If you're mortal, shouldn't you be unable to drink it?" Illyana asked.
"It's what's in inside that matters. All bets are off with me." She said. "Are you with X-Force now, too?"
"Yup. My bunch is a future version. 'Berto's in charge. My Writer really, really likes him."
"Huh. Good for him. Terry's our deputy leader but I think Sam wants the job back." She looked around. "Which 'Berto is this?"
"He's not here right now. He's sort of having relationship problems with Amara and Dani."
"Two women? Well, can't say I'm overly surprised."
Julia watched as a Deadpool went by, followed by a Feral. He sounds a little crazier than usual, she thought. Her silver eyes flickered briefly and a plate of hors d'oeuvres appeared on the table.
Illyana smiled at the offering. "Good choice. I like mini-quiche." She picked up a pastry with a clawed hand and nibbled daintily at it.
"It works a lot better here." Julia mused, taking one for herself. "I always have a hard time with real objects at home."
Illyana nodded as she waved a couple of cloth napkins into being. "Yeah. I like being written but here's okay." She nodded at Rictor, Shatterstar, Sam and Tabitha playing poker in the corner. "They're with my team."
Julia studied them. The Tabitha in question had long brown hair. "Wow. A Tabs with her natural hair colour. Unbelievable." She took another sip of her drink. Could do with a mixer, she thought. She was considering what to conjure when a baby started crying.
She looked up to see Terry fussing with a squirming bundle. "What is Terry doing with a baby?"
"That's a different team. Obviously." Illyana grimaced. "The brat's Wade's. Which explains why it's so loud and annoying."
Julia just stared as the Terry variation cooed at the infant. "My gods."
"They're not listening. That bunch is just nuts. They're fun, but by the First, I think they should all be sedated."
"I think I've got something." Julia offered. She tapped her left wrist knife sheath. "Three doses. Your pick."
Illyana surveyed the crowd. "You can start with the version of me that table-dances."
"I beg your pardon?" She asked. She looked down at her glass. "Is there something else in this?"
"No. I meant it." Illyana waved a hand at a more human version of herself. "That me actually worked a strip-bar!"
"Why? No. Don't tell me." She winced. "I think I'm too sober to handle the answer."
"You're telling me." Illyana said. "Could be worse. Have you seen the mainstream X-Force yet?"
"No. I haven't seen any mainstreams actually. Is it that bad?"
Illyana smiled evilly. "You are in for real treat. C'mon. Let's go for a walk."

***

On the other side of town, a certain couple had discovered that there weren't any Triple-A maps for Subreality.
"Are ye certain ye got the directions straight?" Terry asked diplomatically as she could through her mounting frustration. If we were going in circles that'd be an improvement, she thought. We've been going in shapes that aren't even recognized by geometry.
Wade made a rude noise at her. "Yes, I did!" He looked down at the rather tattered note. They'd agreed to meet up with the rest of their gang at the Café, wherever it was. The only problem was that he wasn't exactly known for his stenographic abilities and he'd written things down in his new convertible, on a cell phone, speeding down the highway. He didn't think it was a good time to mention he really had heard maybe every fifth word.
"Would ye like me to ask...?" She offered, holding up a small, black rectangle. If he doesn't say yes, I'll scream him unconscious and stuff him into the trunk until we get there.
He almost sagged with relief against the steering wheel. His compass was going bonkers, all the streets were starting to look the same but he just couldn't bring himself to ask for directions. It'd really trash my hard-earned rep, he thought. High-price killer merc gets lost in fanfic land. Girl scouts lead him to safety. Millions die of ruptured spleens from laughing at the loser. "Only if you want to, babe."

***

"That was easily one of the weirdest experiences of my life. They're really messed up." Julia said as they strolled back. "I can't believe Terry was so snarky to Wade when he came by. He was only was trying to be nice. In his own unique way."
"They're all like that." Illyana said. "The mainstream me is dead but my soulsword was supposed to be floating around causing all sorts of stupid plot lines." She pulled a glowing white sword from the air. "It's part of my soul. It's not something I can really lose or lend out like a pair of socks."
"My condolences." Julia said sincerely. What kind of socks would someone with hooves wear? She wondered. Pointy ones?
Illyana took a swipe at a mostly-harmless tree then absorbed the blade. "Thanks. Being a fic's a major improvement after that. I'm back in power, not dead and hanging with my friends." She glanced at the Bouncer. There was a delicate tracery of magic on him. "Did you...?" She asked quietly.
"Just a little. I wanted to keep my hardware." Julia admitted with a small grin.
Illyana grinned back. "It's nice work. Very subtle. I'm no good with that gentle stuff."
"Subtle is what assassins are all about. And money, of course."
A Domino and Cable passed them and went up the stairs. They seemed surprised when they were allowed to keep their weapons. Domino hugged her rifle happily as they disappeared inside.
"I think I should have made it a 'me only'." Julia said reflectively.
"No, this is great. X-Force and unarmed are mutually exclusive terms. Everyone'll love it."
She frowned. Taking out bystanders was bad form. "But there's more than our teams in there. What about them?"
Illyana made a face. "Who cares? If they don't duck when they have too, tough. Death's not permanent here."
"If that's okay here." She shrugged. If they can come back, it doesn't count, she thought. Not much in the way of business opportunities then. You be good, she told herself. Xavier will go apoplectic if you start killing for money again. Not-for-profit killing is okay, though. Her train of thought paused at a crossing. Did I miss the morality in that directive or what? Maybe I can get assassination by donation approved.
"It is. Want to go check out some more places?"
"Might as well. I don't think my gang's here yet. I don't see any of their cars and they won't walk anywhere unless at gunpoint." She conjured a bottle of Beaujolais in one hand and a pair of goblets on the other. "A drink for the road?"
The demon sorceress laughed and took a glass. "Yeah. You need it around here." They sauntered away, looking for somebody to happen to.

***

Jimmy, Roberto and Shatterstar, reluctantly named the Mutant Musketeers, had finally found a Café. But it was the wrong one. At least, that's what the Bouncer said when he threw them out.
"I thought I told you buggers twice already, NO FICS!" He yelled at them from the top of the stairs. The door slammed as he went back inside.

They sat in the alley behind the Mainstream Café and pondered what to do. Roberto stood and brushed himself down. Good thing purple doesn't show dirt, he thought as adjusted his new black X-belt.
"Okay. I think we should take the man's advice this time and stay out." He decided. "Who's got the directions?"
"I have them." Shatterstar said pulling out a carefully folded paper from one of his multiple belt pouches. They were actually only good for carrying Post-It Notes, candy and spare change in spite of their stylish, high-tech appearance. He reread the directions again. "I'm uncertain why these are so inaccurate. Wade was emphatic that he had transcribed the information correctly."
"He was probably lying like a rug." Jimmy muttered sourly.

They trooped out and took in the lay of the land. In front of the Café, several mainstream characters were bitching and smoking. Most seemed quite downtrodden.
"Madonna." Roberto said quietly. "They all look like they're about to face a firing squad."
Jimmy nodded. "Check it out. It's Wade. And a bunch of weirdos."
They watched as Deadpool went past, mouthing off everyone and everything. An entourage of strange people followed after him, shooting and stabbing each other on occasion.
"He seems slightly more," Shatterstar paused. He had a bit of respect for the man, after all. "troubled."
"You mean he's a total maniac." Roberto translated. He noticed a group sitting on the grass across the road. "Oh, no. Guys, it's us."
Jimmy studied the assembled members of the official X-Force and extended his senses as much as possible. "'Berto, you're making the moves on Tabs." He said quietly.
Roberto was upset at this slur on his personal ethics. "What! Why would I do that? Sam's my friend. I wouldn't try stuff like that."
"Don't know but I know what I heard." Jimmy hissed. "I think that me is with Terry, too. Where's Risque?"
Shatterstar listened with one ear to his friends' hushed conversation. He was watching himself and Rictor walk up and join the group. "I wish to meet them." He decided as he strode over.

Roberto studied Bobby. I'm...scruffy, he thought with disdain. "Hey. I'm Roberto DaCosta. New fic."
Bobby smirked. "You think you're Reignfire, don't you?"
"Pardon? Um, no. Not anymore. Cable did a telepathic tap-dance to get that under control." He paused. "Aren't you?"
"Nope. Never was. Reignfire was my evil double."
Roberto blinked. He was cloned? And the clone went nuts? I guess that makes a twisted kind of sense. Happened to the Jean, didn't it?
"I see."
He tried not to notice how Tabitha and Bobby were all over each other. Why isn't Sam here to kick some sense into you? He wondered. Would it break the rules if I did it?
Jimmy took in the sight of himself and Terry. They smiled back but didn't seem overly inclined to make conversation.
"Um. Just asking, you understand." He began tentatively. "Where's Risque?"
The mainstream Jimmy frowned. "She was using me to get me to do some work for her boss. We split after I found out."
"Oh."
"'Tis a good thing ye did." Terry said. "She was nothing but trouble."
But I like trouble, Jimmy thought. It's cute and very friendly. He opted for nodding and trying not to stare at Tabitha's haircut.
Shatterstar watched with dismay as the mainstream of himself and his best friend Rictor slouched on the ground and smoked cigarettes. From the smell he knew they were not smoking tobacco.
"Hello. I am Shatterstar, also a newly-created fic." He began politely. Rictor ignored him and stared up at the sky.
The mainstream held out a hand. "Ben Russell or Shatterstar. Whichever. We're both here."
He shook his hand automatically. "I don't understand." He allowed.
"I'm not surprised. It's sort of complicated." The mainstream sighed. "My original body was taken into the future and killed when Cable and I were trapped in a TV show broadcast. Spiral and Longshot brought my soul back and put it into the body of a comatose human runaway who was institutionalized."
He tried to process that. "But how is that you look the same? Why did the human have the same markings as well?"
"I don't know. No one does. The tattoo comes and goes. My left eye may or may not glow and I think my fighting skills are shot." The mainstream shrugged and took another drag. "Most of the team thinks I've been overrated all this time anyways. All that 'warrior born' stuff was faked."
"Aye." Terry said. "Ye admitted to me that ye were at the bottom of yer class when learning yer sword fighting."
" ! " Shatterstar managed. He was so insulted he didn't know were to start.
"Double droga." Roberto said with feeling. "Well, it's been fun meeting all of you. We have to be going now."
Jimmy pulled the enraged Shatterstar away before anything could happen. "C'mon, 'Star. Don't freak. It's not you."
Salvation came in the form of a blonde and a brunette in a Mustang convertible
"What are you dweebs doing here?" Tabitha yelled from the passenger seat. "Risque and I've been looking for you!"
"We're saved." Jimmy said, still keeping tight hold on Shatterstar's arms. The former gladiator might have stopped struggling but he wasn't taking any chances. Jimmy didn't understand the language Shatterstar was muttering but the meaning came though loud and clear. We never did ask what 'fekt' means, he thought. I know it doesn't mean 'have a nice day'.
"Actually, they're saved." Roberto corrected, making a dash for the car. He who hesitates, loses shotgun.
Risque just laughed at them when they piled in. "You know, you're a babe James. But some days..." She said ruefully as they pulled away from the curb.
Tabitha turned in her seat. She'd retained her claim of shotgun with only a couple timebombs. "How come you got lost? We have phones for a reason." She waved hers with its dayglow stickers at them.
There was some uncomfortable shuffling in the overcrowded backseat. When no explanations were forthcoming, Risque decided to have a little mercy on them. It's not their fault that asking for directions conflicts with the Y-chromosome, she thought.
Roberto leaned forward. "All right, you gloated at us. Where is everybody?"
"Wade and Terry are parking their car. Julia's wandering around with some Illyana person to torment whoever they happen to find." She smirked at the rearview mirror. "She's got her phone, so she's not likely to get lost. Cable and Domino are there already."
Shatterstar tried not to think of where his swords were digging into him. "Did she say when she would rejoin us?"
"Not really. If we get bored, we can probably find her by following the emergency vehicles."

***

Sequestered in a corner of the Subreality Café, Domino and Cable waited for the kids and enjoyed a few relatively quiet beers. He watched the variants of his family, friends and allies as they came and went from the Café. It was kind of horribly compelling to see so many permutations. A Domino came by holding a baby and it took almost all of his self-control not to go running over to have a look. Stay calm, he thought. He turned to see if his Domino had noticed. She had, and was staring at the maternal version with an unreadable expression.
~Dom?~
~It's nothing, Nate. Just thinking~
~Me too~
~Oh, yeah?~
~Yeah~
Domino smiled in her knowing way. She nodded at a group that had picked up and was starting to leave. A young Domino was chatting animatedly with an even younger Kane.
"I can't believe it. Was I really that young when I hooked up with you?"
Cable sighed. "Yeah, you were. Makes me feel like a dirty old man for chasing after you."
"You are a dirty old man." She remarked. "But you chase slow, so I've had a lot of time to grow up."
"And you've filled out nicely, too." He smirked.
They realized they were being watched at the same time. Blurringly fast, Cable brought out a gun and aimed it at the interlopers. It was his personal favorite, roughly the size of a large dog. Domino had a pair of handguns out and was ready to blow their guests into their next lives.
"Ooh, love." Wade gushed, oblivious to the firepower being pointed his way. "Isn't it grand? Especially when it's two of the most lovey-dovey merc retirees I know." They glared at him but he didn't notice as he was busy pulling out a chair for Terry. The weapons were tucked under the table again and a round of drinks was ordered.
"We've been wandering around for ages." Terry said as she took a seat. "The streets here are so confusing. Did ye have any trouble with the directions?"
"Nope. Just shook someone until their teeth rattled and they pointed the way." Domino said casually. "How about you?"
Wade hesitated for a picosecond. "No problems here." Time to change the subject, he thought, looking around. The décor was fancier than he'd been expecting. "Nice place. Too bad we gotta share it with so many of the X-Morons." A couple of Scott Summers turned and cluster of Wolverines at a corner table growled in their direction.
"Wade!" Terry hissed. "Donnae be so loud. We're surrounded by them!"
He shrugged. "So? All that means is our chances of picking up communicable idiocy have increased one hundred percent."
Cable leaned forward. "We're not here to start trouble, Wilson."
"We're not? What the hell are we doing here then?" Wade asked with honest surprise. "I thought it was gonna be a little fun with the fics or we stayed home and lolled in our creature comforts. I didn't come all this way just to goggle at a bunch of your sad-assed relatives."
"I'm not related to all of them." Cable said a shade too quickly. "That's a unpleasant, slanderous rumor."

***

Risque pulled up outside the Subreality Café. An instant later a woman appeared in a burst of flame on the hood of the car. She didn't look fully human and she was waving a glowing sword at them.
"AUGH!" Risque screamed.
"Illyana!" yelled Tabitha, Jimmy and Roberto in chorus. Shatterstar was attempting to get a sword free without beheading Roberto in the process.
"Yo, what's up guys?" Illyana smirked. Her hooves made tap-tap sounds as she took a couple of steps closer to the windshield.
"What do you think you're doing?" Risque snapped. As bad as New York traffic was, demons didn't show up on people's cars. Not often, at any rate. My cool really took a hit, she thought.
"Saying hi to my friends, or reasonable facsimile thereof." Illyana said amused. "You must be Risque."
"Yeah. How'd you know?"
"Julia mentioned that you'd be coming along."
Shatterstar gave up on his attack. "Where is she then?" He asked. He sounded resigned to a completely horrible day.
"Right here." Julia breathed into his ear. He jumped in his seat and turned around as much as possible. She was sitting on the trunk and smiling at them. "Got the drop on you twice, 'Star." She teased, hopping onto the sidewalk. He got out and pulled her closer. Body armor didn't make her very huggable but he did it anyway. Illyana smirked at his expression when Julia hugged him back.
"Hey, guys. What took so long?" Julia asked.
"We followed Wade's directions." Jimmy said climbing out of the backseat in relief. "Total nonsense. We ended up at the wrong Café."
Roberto grimaced as he stretched. "I hate sitting in the middle." He groused. Illyana took a smidgen of pity on him and gave him a hug. He brightened at the attention. "It's great to see you, 'Yana."
"Likewise." She smiled. She waved at Shatterstar, who was studying the entrance to the Café. "Hey, 'Star. How's things?"
"I don't think we have met yet." He said cautiously. "Are you acquainted with an alternate version of me?"
"You bet." She grinned.
"Should I be concerned?" He asked, suppressing the feeling of dread that was growing within him.
"Nah. Our version of you isn't likely to notice Julia. He's got other interests." She hinted artlessly.
"As do I." Shatterstar stated, looking puzzled.
Jimmy and Roberto both started coughing suddenly. Risque and Tabitha snickered.
Julia smiled. I'm so glad there's just one of me. "That isn't even the tip of the iceberg. Come on, people. Let's dazzle the masses."

back to Sabia's stories | Miscellaneous archive | X-Force archive | comicfic.net